Three Mistakes

Hello Friends!

Thank you for joining me today. What is the topic of interest? Well, I am in a reflective mood this morning, so I will be talking about my mistakes.  I actually have been wanting to write about this topic for a few weeks now; but I am finally sitting down to do it.

I have been a pastor's wife for about 10 years.  TEN YEARS!!! It is hard for me to believe.  After the first year I wanted to write down all the things I learned in our first year here; but never did.  My desire is to be faithful at journaling daily; but I have not worked hard enough at cultivating that desire; so it isn't happening daily; but I do journal.  I mention journaling because I have some things jotted down; these three things I will share with you today.

Mistake Number One: Focusing on the Work instead of the Lord.

      Before we became the pastor and pastor's wife of this church, we prayed daily for God's direction and the willingness to obey when He showed us that it was time for change.  A decade ago my husband was serving as the assistant pastor and youth director of a church in North Carolina.  To be quite honest, when we got the call to leave, I was just starting to feel at home.  It was our third year of marriage.  I had just had our first child. I had my own local friends and was finding my place in our community and local church.  I am not sure why; but that same month we were offered two other ministry opportunities.  We prayerfully considered all three and knew that this was the place where God wanted us to serve. 

With much excitement and anticipation, we packed our little trailer and moved to Arkansas.  God had called us here.  We knew we were where He wanted us to be; problem was, few others knew it.  I thought that the folks of our town would flock to our church when they saw the love and dedication we brought with us.  I thought that when they saw that we wanted to help them make the best of their lives for the Glory of God that the people of our town would be grateful for such a family to leave their home and come here to minister.  After all,  my husband is a graduate of Bible Institute, a great preacher, a man of integrity, a prayer warrior, ....and I could go on.

I am a Bible College graduate and have a few gifts and abilities as well.  In my mind, we made a great team.  We had arrived and were going to conquer our area for Christ. Problem? Nobody seemed to care....at least not the ones that I wanted to care. There were SEVERAL services where only our family was present.  I became discouraged. Why?  Because I began to focus on the work (the people)  instead of the Lord.  I had forgotten that Only God is faithful all the time.  Only God knows all the time you spend in prayer and in the word.  Only God sees your heartaches and heartbreaks.  Only God knows why and how He is using the work that you do. Only God can provide every need.  How does the song go?  Noone ever cared for me like Jesus.  It took me a  w h i l e  to stop waiting for the people to see me as mentor and friend. In those early days and years (if I am honest)  to forgot that God not only sees me; but that He has promises that He will never break.

My Challenge to You:

NO matter what you are involved in, let God be responsible for the results. Focus on the only thing that you can have control over,  your obedience to what you are responsible for and your own attitude.  God has truly blessed our family!  We aren't where we hope to be; but we are a lot further along on this journey than we were ten years ago.   God gives my husband a message.  We have done our best to put the things he preaches into practice.  If nobody else wants to show up to be fed; let us be found in our place, doing the work we are called to do, and receiving the blessings from being obedient.

Mistake Number Two:  Being Over-eager

My second issue was that I thought that just because I had, what I thought, was good information to share; that I should share as much as possible and that people would show up to hear what I had to give.  I planned events for our ladies. Lots of events. I would have classes where I taught things like cooking healthy and wholesome meals, parenting classes, how to study the word classes, bow making classes, and so on and so forth.  Often, I was the only one who would show up.

The people are not to bear the total blame here.

I have come to learn that I tend to give too much.  To over-prepare.  In other words; I was so eager to be a blessing that I overwhelmed them.
It is possible that my teaching could have been interpreted that "you need to become more like me and this is how"; or "everything you think you know about God is wrong, and this is why".

My Challenge to You:

In the first year, focus your walk with God; then your family, then the church - in that order. In the second year, focus on your walk with God; then your family, then the church.  In the fifth year, focus on your walk with God, then your family, then the church.  In the tenth year, focus on your walk with God, your family, then the church.  I slowly began focusing some of the energy that I was giving to helping better other people's homes to my own.  You know what?  I am glad I did.  Some of the families that I spent so much time trying to help weren't able to hear me, weren't willing to do the work, and most have since disappeared.

Mistake Number Three: Having No Personal Boundaries or Limitations

In the Bible, there are qualifications for a pastor, for a deacon, and for the wife of deacons.  There are no qualifications for the pastor's wife.   What should I learn from this?  The gifts that God gave you to use in the church, use them accordingly, just like any other church member is commanded to do.  Anything extra that you do, is just that.  Extra!  I am not saying that you shouldn't stretch yourself, or  ever serve sacrificially.  I am saying that if you choose to do those "extra" things, do them for the Lord and Him only as an offering. 

My Challenge to you:

Initially, I was only a phone call away.  I would help pretty much any and everybody with any and every need. I used some discretion; but not much. "NO" was not a word that I liked to use often.
No Bueno!

Prayerfully set boundaries for yourself and stick to them without exception.  Otherwise you will feel unappreciated and may even become that bitter pastor's wife that eventually doesn't even go to church.
If you are curious about the boundaries I have set for myself, send me a message or comment and I will be happy to share; but realize that they are what God has given ME peace about and may not be for you.

Also, especially in the first year, don't add anything to the schedule.  Change as little as possible. Learn the community.  There may be a reason why the service is set for an odd time (to you) on an odd day.  There may be a good reason why there's no Sunday School or vacation Bible school at your church.  And dare I say (as a person who was saved as a result of the bus ministry) there may even be a reason why your church doesn't run a bus or van to bring people to church.  Begin new things with much prayer and clear and definitive direction from God. Occasionally my husband will ask me to do things, and I have to challenge even him a little bit instead of saying a quick yes.  This is the new, more mature me.  It's not always comfortable; but It helps me to be the sane and loving me.

May this blog post bless somebody's life!

Until Next Time,

View companion vlog on YouTube here: Three Mistakes!

I Need a Cleansing!

Hello Friends!

Last year, the ladies of our church met together about three times for the purpose of focusing on and sharing a specific portion of scripture.  Our first meeting had the theme of putting God first (Matthew 6:33) .  The second meeting we studied the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5). In the third meeting we focused on the armor of God as it pertains to women and mothering (Ephesians 6).

We had our first meeting for the year last Saturday.  Our verse and topic to meditate on was Psalm 119:9 - 

"Wherewithal shall a young man cleanse his way? by taking heed thereto according to thy word."

I thought it was very appropriate that the ladies wanted to have a juice bar instead of normal snacks.  I mean, who isn't up for a cleansing juice, right!?!

The meeting went well; but one thing stood out to me as I was preparing for my five minutes of sharing.  The difference in the definition of clean and cleanse.  Clean has to do with removing dirt from the external.  Cleanse has to do with purifying the internal. 

The best tool I know for cleansing the soul is the Word of God.  As a young person I was challenged to hide the word of God in my heart, to read it daily, to memorize it, and to put into practice what I learned.  I don't think I realized how establishing the habit of reading the Word of God was cleansing my way.

I tried to issue the same challenge to our ladies.  I know the verse specifically says, "young man"; but I believe ANYONE can benefit from taking heed to the word of God.  Rather than focusing on looking like a clean vessel; May we let the Word of God make us a clean vessel, by cleansing us of our ways and intents; and replacing them with His.

Until Next Time,

New Year. New Word.

Hello Friends!
It's Tinyla again and I want to wish you a wonderful new year! I am so excited about 2020 and all of the potential it has. Sooo...

In the last blog post I mentioned that I prayed for and focused on the phrase "enlarged capacity". I communicated, I hope, that I prayed earnestly for an enlarged capacity; but my understanding of what that meant was immature.

Now that I know a little better; what have I chosen to focus on in this new year? One word, Pursue.   Pursue, by definition  (according to Mr. Webster) means 1.) to find or employ measures to obtain or accomplish: to seek. 2.) to proceed along; or 3.) to engage in.

What am I trying to accomplish or obtain?
What am I seeking?
Proceed along what?
Engage in what?

I want to pursue all that God has for me.
I want to seek His face.
I want to continue, or proceed in walking with Him.
I want to engage in the tasks that He has for me.

My focus for this year is to pursue the best version of Tinyla as a child of God, as a wife, as a mother, as a church member, as a sister, as a friend.  I pray He continues to enlarge me. I pray that He continues to increase my faith; that he helps me to not become weary in well doing; and that by this time next year I will be a better person than I am today...because I look more like Christ.

What is your goal for this year?
What are you focused on in your life?


Until next time,

Stretch!

Hello Friends!

This year has almost come to a close.  It is hard to believe that in just couple of days it will be 2020!  I am grateful for all that 2019 brought into my life; but I am very happy to be starting a new year.  My goal and prayer for 2019 was for the Lord to increase my capacity.  I heard someone say that in the beginning of the year and I thought it sounded so good that I began to consistently pray for my capacity to be increased as well. Sounds great, right? As the year progressed, I didn't feel like my capacity was increasing. Instead I felt like I was being pruned...which sounds a lot more like decreasing than enlarging! Not what I had in mind; but I am sure it is what was needed.

I expected to see more happy and exciting things happening for us and to posses more experiences and things that I desired. As I look back on the year, I don't really see either of those things.  Please understand that I am not saying that God has not been good to us; or that we are in need of anything.  What I am saying is that this year I have experienced some disappointments, some heartaches, and some loss.  Initially, the words "enlarged capaicty" (at least in my inmature mind) translated to "more stuff" and "fun experiences".  As I asked the Lord why so many things that I desired I did not see; I felt like His answer was "Selah"; or stop and think.  Mediate on the words you have so consistently been praying.

Upon further review, it seems that my little teacup self was asking God to bless me with gallon sized blessings.  Well, what happens when you pour all of the contents from a gallon jug into a teacup?  A huge mess!  In order for a tea cup (6-8 ounces.) to receive all that is meant for a gallon jug (128 ounces; some major stretching must happen.  Maybe some breaking, remolding, and a kiln (very hot oven) may even be involved.  So, it seems that I have been praying the prayer of the spiritually mature with the understanding of a child, and the Lord has graciously answered me by stretching me past my understanding, imagined limits, and out of my comfort zone in so many areas.

This year, 2019, has been a blessing to me in a unique way; but as I think about my word, or phrase to focus on for the next year; I am going to spend a little more time thinking and praying for understanding BEFORE I commit to making it my prayer for the year!...with a heart open to whatever God has for me, of course. Thank you for joining us on our little journey in 2019! In the year 2020, I pray for the best that God has for your life and mine!

Until Next Year,

Christmas Time is Here!

Hello Friends!

What a busy time of year for our family! This year, like every year for the past 11 years, we decorated Christmas cookies with the children in our church. Unlike previous years, 1.) We had more children in attendance who are not members of our church than those who are members. 2.) One of our children placed third in the cookie decorating contest...Ironically, it's the one who probably cares the least. 3.) My "perfect" Christmas cookie recipe wasn't so perfect.  I reviewed my actions and I have concluded that we did two things differently this year which contributed to our cookie crisis.  1.) I used duck eggs instead of chicken eggs when baking the cookies.  Normally, using duck eggs for my baking results in decadence. Not this time!  2.) We let the dough set out of the refrigerator for too long before we cut into it. I think the dough got too warm as we were handling it. Tomorrow morning the kids and I will be baking another batch for our Christmas party on Monday.  We will use regular eggs and work more quickly.  I will share the results with you. Hopefully they will handle as well as they taste; unlike last weeks cookies which tasted great; but were crumbly and not as well formed.

My "No Fail" Christmas cookie recipe

One other thing that we have added into the mix is our music program.  I have a dear friend who has entrusted me with teaching her kids music.  Word has spread and our little choir is growing! We performed at one of our local care homes and are scheduled to perform at two more before Christmas.  They will also be performing at church as part of our Christmas festivities.

I am having a blast singing and playing with these kids!  Music is a precious gift to share.

The last thing I want to comment on today is how we handle gift giving in our home.
First, the kids use a portion of the money in their piggy banks to shop for stocking stuffers for their siblings.  They pull a name from a box and I take them one by one to shop for one another.
The second thing we do is ask the children to tell us two things that they would like for Christmas; we surprise them with the third item.  Yes, you read that correctly.  We limit them to three gifts. Usually Grandparents send gifts for them in addition to what we give. Some years they send money and I am able to upgrade what we plan to give them; but I do my best to limit them to three gifts each.  This is just one way for us to not get caught up in the hullabaloo of the holidays and to remind us of Christ.  The Bible mentions the three gifts from the wise men.  We use that as our guide for our three gift rule.

Here are some snapshots from our lives this season.

This is our second year to participate in the Operation Christmas child program.

Cassidy and Pita

Rayanna is learning to tie her favorite shoes.

A few of our favorite "scenes" on or Christmas tree.

Beckles's Christmas tree 2019

Raymond DeSean finishes his first, first grade reading book

Cassidy gives a little attitude.

Do you have traditions that you treasure for Christmas?
Do you have a favorite Christmas song?
What do you do to keep yourself from falling prey to commercialism in the holidays?

Until next time;

Merry Christmas from our home to yours!

Celebration Time!

Ready to hit the road!

Today the little people and I went out on the town in celebration of them having a dry pull-up for 14 days. 
What an accomplishment!!! For a while we were buying pull-ups every two weeks for three children.
I felt like I was throwing money in the trash!! We tried a variety of different approaches to solve this
problem (no drinks after dinner; plastic liners for the mattresses; supplements for stronger bladders,
etc) ; but nothing worked.  One day while the grandparents were here; we were told stories about
certain individuals who used to wet the bed and then blame their older siblings. In my family;
I remember that my brother was a bed wetter until he was about 11 years old.  

One of children decided that they were not going to wet the bed any longer and asked their dad
to wake them up in the wee hours of the morning in order to use the restroom. 
Their mama was willing to pay for the pull-ups so she could sleep in peace. (cheese!)

It worked for her. She has not been wearing pull-ups and has had a dry bed for several months now. 
The two small ones were soaking through pull-ups and waking with wet sheets; and then some
days one or two of them would be dry in the morning. This made me think maybe the issue with
at least one of them was laziness rather than genetics.  

Raymond and I decided to give them a little incentive to wake up dry.  I counted out 14 pieces
of candy and put them in separate containers for each kid.  If they brought me a dry pull-up
in the morning, I would give them a piece of candy.  Once they finished the candy we would
get them a burger and fries as a celebration. Please understand that we don’t buy candy for our kids. 
It is amazing what a little candy will motivate a kid to do! Instead of me buying pull-ups and doing loads of
soiled laundry and sheets; I now hear them using the bathroom early in the morning
on. their. own.

Today was day 15 for both lil’ Raymond and Rayanna.  We made a day of it.
(...or at least an afternoon. Our morning was filled with our normal routine, music class, 
and school work).

Where did we go? What did we do?

We went to the bank, then to Walmart. We got burgers, drinks, fries and mozzarella sticks (for me) at Sonic, and took Max to the dog park. We had a good time.

The lake by the dog park.  A lot of people in our
area enjoy fishing here as well.

A beautiful view in our backyard.

Can any of you relate? Do any of you have bed wetters?

Until Next Time,

A Note to Single Mamas....

photo credit

Hello Friends!

I have mentioned before that I have a heart for single mamas.
My mother was a single mom. Her mother was a single mom and orphaned at an early age. I have limited knowledge of our family history before her; so I'm not sure how far this cycle has been present in our family.
Our church is comprised mainly of single mamas and their children. I see things happen in their lives that burdens me.
My heart ached often as a child for my mother.  Someday I will share her story (from my perspective); but today I want to share some things that I think would have blessed our family. And may bless yours, if you are a single mama - for whatever reason.  If you know a single mama, please feel free to share if you think it will bless them. Thanks for visiting me today!

1. Know and Accept that fatherless homes are more susceptible to SO many ills in society; so realize that you are operating as the underdog when it comes to raising successful kids from a functional (as opposed to dysfunctional) home. Mama, you CANNOT be and weren't created to be Mom and Dad. Get some help! If you don't; you will likely drive yourself (and possibly your children) crazy.
2.  That being said, Be extremely intentional about your outside influences.   The first thing that comes to mind is the subject of sexual abuse.  I am not a psychologist or DHS worker; but I KNOW that children (girls and boys) are being sexually abused at alarming rates these days.  I once heard that three out of five  (3:5) children have been molested. How many kids do you have? If you don't want them to be counted among the three, you have to be Vigilant...even if people think you are being rude.  Don't sacrifice you children on the alter of social politeness!  The second subject that comes to mind is gang affiliations and cults.  Children without fathers are more susceptible to joining groups that manipulate folks as a means of recruiting them.  Side note:  Don't use manipulation as a means of getting your children to do what you want.  
3. Self Care is a must.  This applies to all mamas.  Often we feel tired and worn out because we are so busy sacrificially taking care of others.  Time passes. We feel unappreciated. We become bitter against those we took care of for most of their lives.  We feel like they owe us something; but they don't agree.  They often feel that you were doing your job and shouldn't expect to get paid.  After all, they didn't ask to be born.  I say, take time to pay yourself.  Invest in yourself.  Maybe get/give yourself a manicure periodically. Do, or get your hair done. Get a hobby.  Join a club somewhere. Make time to do something you love.  Learn to say no more often (politely) and yes slowly and less often (don't feel obligated to give a reason). And, as my wise husband told me, "Don't punish others because you failed to establish and enforce personal boundaries.".
4. Join/create a tribe.  This kind of pairs well with getting help.  Church is a great place to find a great tribe.  Even in church...still be selective (Remember, this is coming from a pastor's wife. Just because you go to church with them, doesn't mean they should be allowed into your inner circle.) Seek HIS face for who your tribe should include.  Mine includes an older couple that I met through our local library's book club. Not all of my tribe agrees with me about everything. This is a good thing.                                                                                                                              A father of the fatherless, and a judge of the widows, is God in his holy habitation. God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains: but the rebellious dwell in a dry land. - Psalm 68:5,6
5. Pour into yourself. This pairs well with self care and includes, at least for me, quiet time with the Lord every morning and sometimes at the kids' nap times.  I am blessed in that I live across from our church. Sometimes I get to go to church and just be still for a while.  Occasionally I go "clean the chicken house" which is code for me going to listen to a podcast or YouTube video. Nobody wants to volunteer to help me clean chicken poop! I know I will be left alone.
6. Frustration in being the "mean" parent happens; but it's worth it.  Have a vision for you kids and be wiling to do the hard things to make that vision happen.  Life is not always offering candy and gifts.  When the hard things come into your kid's lives.  Who do you think they will go to for real help? Long term respect is better than superficial love. 
7. Release yourself to be you - a human being with wants and needs of your own; who occasionally has a bad day. When down days happen, tell your kids just that.  I warn my family when I am not feeling like a patient and loving person. I don't always tell them why; but I do give them a heads up. Superwoman (or in this case supermama) is a myth. 
8. Marriage is not the be all and end all. Don't romanticize it - no pun intended. 😉 A happy marriage involves a lot of hard work. Also, if you don't know how to live by yourself and be happy; how do you expect to know how to live happily with a someone else in your life every. single. day. who will bring differing opinions, habits, and baggage into your home?  Personally, I would suggest to single moms that they wait to get married until all of their kids are at least middle school age.  This may be a naive suggestion; but in light of the afore mentioned things regarding abuse and such; I would be very careful to bring a man in my home that my children will be alone with in private settings when they aren't old enough to speak for themselves intelligently.  Maybe I am speaking from a paranoid married persons point of view; but I firmly believe this is good advice.  Infatuation (love) can cloud your vision and judgment.  You should at least submit yourself to the judgment of someone else when considering marriage.  If the man in consideration will not submit to pre-marital counseling (We recommend at least one day a week for six days); DON'T MARRY THAT PERSON!!!  During counseling; have the hard conversations.  
9. Last of all, limit outside activities - Have a goal for time spent at home. Learn who your children are as they are becoming that person.  Love your children for who they are are who they are becoming. Let them learn and love you.  Win their heart and they will keep yours in mind as they make choices in life.

I have given a lot of advice with very little scripture, so take this as my humble opinion on this matter; but please keep in mind that this is advice given with love and the background of a child's experience in this matter. What would you add/remove from this list?  I am interested to know.  Comment below or send me an email (tinylabeckles@yahoo.com).

Until Next Time,