A Note to Single Mamas....

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Hello Friends!

I have mentioned before that I have a heart for single mamas.
My mother was a single mom. Her mother was a single mom and orphaned at an early age. I have limited knowledge of our family history before her; so I'm not sure how far this cycle has been present in our family.
Our church is comprised mainly of single mamas and their children. I see things happen in their lives that burdens me.
My heart ached often as a child for my mother.  Someday I will share her story (from my perspective); but today I want to share some things that I think would have blessed our family. And may bless yours, if you are a single mama - for whatever reason.  If you know a single mama, please feel free to share if you think it will bless them. Thanks for visiting me today!

1. Know and Accept that fatherless homes are more susceptible to SO many ills in society; so realize that you are operating as the underdog when it comes to raising successful kids from a functional (as opposed to dysfunctional) home. Mama, you CANNOT be and weren't created to be Mom and Dad. Get some help! If you don't; you will likely drive yourself (and possibly your children) crazy.
2.  That being said, Be extremely intentional about your outside influences.   The first thing that comes to mind is the subject of sexual abuse.  I am not a psychologist or DHS worker; but I KNOW that children (girls and boys) are being sexually abused at alarming rates these days.  I once heard that three out of five  (3:5) children have been molested. How many kids do you have? If you don't want them to be counted among the three, you have to be Vigilant...even if people think you are being rude.  Don't sacrifice you children on the alter of social politeness!  The second subject that comes to mind is gang affiliations and cults.  Children without fathers are more susceptible to joining groups that manipulate folks as a means of recruiting them.  Side note:  Don't use manipulation as a means of getting your children to do what you want.  
3. Self Care is a must.  This applies to all mamas.  Often we feel tired and worn out because we are so busy sacrificially taking care of others.  Time passes. We feel unappreciated. We become bitter against those we took care of for most of their lives.  We feel like they owe us something; but they don't agree.  They often feel that you were doing your job and shouldn't expect to get paid.  After all, they didn't ask to be born.  I say, take time to pay yourself.  Invest in yourself.  Maybe get/give yourself a manicure periodically. Do, or get your hair done. Get a hobby.  Join a club somewhere. Make time to do something you love.  Learn to say no more often (politely) and yes slowly and less often (don't feel obligated to give a reason). And, as my wise husband told me, "Don't punish others because you failed to establish and enforce personal boundaries.".
4. Join/create a tribe.  This kind of pairs well with getting help.  Church is a great place to find a great tribe.  Even in church...still be selective (Remember, this is coming from a pastor's wife. Just because you go to church with them, doesn't mean they should be allowed into your inner circle.) Seek HIS face for who your tribe should include.  Mine includes an older couple that I met through our local library's book club. Not all of my tribe agrees with me about everything. This is a good thing.                                                                                                                              A father of the fatherless, and a judge of the widows, is God in his holy habitation. God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains: but the rebellious dwell in a dry land. - Psalm 68:5,6
5. Pour into yourself. This pairs well with self care and includes, at least for me, quiet time with the Lord every morning and sometimes at the kids' nap times.  I am blessed in that I live across from our church. Sometimes I get to go to church and just be still for a while.  Occasionally I go "clean the chicken house" which is code for me going to listen to a podcast or YouTube video. Nobody wants to volunteer to help me clean chicken poop! I know I will be left alone.
6. Frustration in being the "mean" parent happens; but it's worth it.  Have a vision for you kids and be wiling to do the hard things to make that vision happen.  Life is not always offering candy and gifts.  When the hard things come into your kid's lives.  Who do you think they will go to for real help? Long term respect is better than superficial love. 
7. Release yourself to be you - a human being with wants and needs of your own; who occasionally has a bad day. When down days happen, tell your kids just that.  I warn my family when I am not feeling like a patient and loving person. I don't always tell them why; but I do give them a heads up. Superwoman (or in this case supermama) is a myth. 
8. Marriage is not the be all and end all. Don't romanticize it - no pun intended. 😉 A happy marriage involves a lot of hard work. Also, if you don't know how to live by yourself and be happy; how do you expect to know how to live happily with a someone else in your life every. single. day. who will bring differing opinions, habits, and baggage into your home?  Personally, I would suggest to single moms that they wait to get married until all of their kids are at least middle school age.  This may be a naive suggestion; but in light of the afore mentioned things regarding abuse and such; I would be very careful to bring a man in my home that my children will be alone with in private settings when they aren't old enough to speak for themselves intelligently.  Maybe I am speaking from a paranoid married persons point of view; but I firmly believe this is good advice.  Infatuation (love) can cloud your vision and judgment.  You should at least submit yourself to the judgment of someone else when considering marriage.  If the man in consideration will not submit to pre-marital counseling (We recommend at least one day a week for six days); DON'T MARRY THAT PERSON!!!  During counseling; have the hard conversations.  
9. Last of all, limit outside activities - Have a goal for time spent at home. Learn who your children are as they are becoming that person.  Love your children for who they are are who they are becoming. Let them learn and love you.  Win their heart and they will keep yours in mind as they make choices in life.

I have given a lot of advice with very little scripture, so take this as my humble opinion on this matter; but please keep in mind that this is advice given with love and the background of a child's experience in this matter. What would you add/remove from this list?  I am interested to know.  Comment below or send me an email (tinylabeckles@yahoo.com).

Until Next Time,